


help in unexpected places

by jucksandcrack



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Crack, Epic Friendship, Swords
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 13:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20836322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jucksandcrack/pseuds/jucksandcrack
Summary: julian is horny on main and makes a new friend who offers some advice





	help in unexpected places

**Author's Note:**

> some authors don't put out quality content
> 
> rip to them but i'm different

Julian sat in the library. His legs were cold like his heart due to him wearing no trousers and also being dead. He yearned for the tender embrace of a lover once more even though it killed him.  _ The heart wants what it wants, _ he thought,  _ and I want some. _

He saw him through the window. His soft, lithe body. His nimble movements. His eyes, glinting in the moonlight, and all four feet scampering. 

“You have it so easy, little rat,” Julian sighed. 

Julian watched the rat as it found a way through a crack in the crumbling walls and made its way to a bin. As he watched it pick through the trash Julian knew he’d found a kindred spirit. How did the little rat manage it? In all his life as an MP he’d never managed to make rubbish so appealing.

He got nearer, curiosity getting the better of him. 

The rat turned all of a sudden. “Put em up!” The rat shouted. It was British. 

“WATCH WHERE YOU’RE POINTING THAT THING, MATE!” Julian cried as the rat brandished a sword at him. It looked well made for a rat and Julian knew he couldn’t have made it himself as you’d probably need opposable thumbs to make a sword or at least a grasp on basic carpentry.

“I could say the same,” the little rat said like the sassy little sauce pot it apparently was, brandishing his wooden weapon. 

Julian wished someone would brandish  _ his  _ wooden weapon but death was a cruel mistress. 

He stared. The rat stared back, then slowly lowered the sword again.

“Name’s Rattus,” he said and pulled out a Cuban and a novelty lighter shaped like a pig with the flames coming from its nostrils. It reminded Julian of home. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind. I’m all ears.” He kicked a leg back against the bin and looked cool. 

Julian huffed and dropped to the floor beside his new furry friend. “Well, Rattus,” he began, his hands crossed in his lap so you knew he was being serious. “A man’s got needs. Since I’ve been dead, things have been a bit hard.” 

The innuendo got a laugh from the wise rat. He flicked some ash and nodded. “Been there my friend, been there.” A pause. “Actually I haven’t because female rats can mate up to 500 times with different bloke rats in 6 hours. But I feel your pain. Let me share some advice.”

The politician leaned in. He hoped to glean some wisdom from him but not fleas. 

“Tell me, my friend. Tell me. I’m desperate.”

Rattus leaned in too as if to conspire. He lowered his ratty voice to a mere whisper. 

“Send memes,” the rat said slowly and patted Julian’s hand. 

Julian nodded slowly as tears welled. It was just what he needed to hear. 

He wouldn’t let his new friend down. “I will,” he said and accepted the tissue that Rattus offered him. “I will.” 

He blew his nose and once he was done he looked down and Rattus was gone. All that was left of his presence was a half rotten apple core and a Smash Mouth CD he swore he hadn’t seen on the floor before. Using all the strength he could summon he picked the CD up and put it in the CD player that was conveniently nearby and as All Star began to play he nodded again. He knew it was a sign left to him from his friend the rat. 

_ Send memes _ , he thought. And lo, it was so.


End file.
